This Time of Year

I feel empty. It has been a year of huge losses and a huge gain and huge changes. Some structural, some internal. Jobs, relationships. How I see who I am.

I tried to fill the empty feeling with activities: tennis, crafts, socializing. Feelings demand their own time with you. They will not tolerate dismissive attitudes and approaches. They won't be pushed aside. They won't be treated with a systematic approach. They know you are reluctant to face them, they call you to be courageous rather than fearful.

I don't want to face them alone, but I am not in a position or a personality that would easily "share" them with others. There is the feeling of pressure to perform emotionally. I had a huge success and I like to share it with others, and some people are kind and understand the prices I have paid to achieve this success, and I can just feel they understand and they don't force me to talk about the other side of success, but I can share that with them. This is nice.

I can't really expect other people who might not have had huge successes to want to talk about any of this with me. I am afraid of envy, of alienating people, or of hearing judgments about my feelings.

The thing is, about feelings, one must understand them on one's own. Music can accompany a person. So, I asked my local music store owner to assist me. He suggested several albums for the situation, and here they are:

The Smashing Pumpkins, Adore
The Cure, 4:13 Dream
Bright Eyes, "Cassadaga"
Liz Phair, "Exile in Guyville"

So far, so good. It is working. I don't feel better, but I don't want to right now. I will in time for my Birthday in about two weeks. In time for the sun to start shinning a bit more every day. And then I can enjoy closing the door on 2008.

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